Star Seeking Loneliness

There’s a particular sense of mediocrity that has consumed the majority of this age and made it the norm to just be “good enough”. It’s unusual to me, and it’s also partially why I think I struggle to connect with a lot of people, because I am constantly striving for more, for greater, for stronger, for faster – and many people I meet struggle for “enough”, or the expectation of success when it’s unearned.

It frustrates me really deeply. It’s been bothering me for the past week, really. I thought about and reflected quite a bit on it in recent weeks. The past month has been a rollercoaster of productivity and frustration, to put it mildly. I’ve had to do everything pretty much on my own, from immigration woes, bank problems, moving troubles, calorie deficits, money management, lifestyle upgrades, dating adventures..I’ve done a lot over the past month and almost all of it to varying degrees of success. I’ve also lost weight and maintained my calorie goals too – I have barely succumbed to any temptations and focused on all my targets. I’ve been painting, writing, singing, boxing, working, producing and excelling. Of course there have been failures (dating being a great example), but I’m living my life and am doing well, all things considered.

And yet regardless of all of this, regardless of the passionate pursuit of my values and the productive endeavours I’ve taken on, I’m here on my days off, feeling frustrated and alienated. I feel like an unusual exception to the rule when I go out and struggle to click with many people – I’ve thought about it a lot and considered whether it’s me, or something I do, my mannerisms, etc. I’ve taken it all in, I’ve reflected, I’ve considered the cause.

I have tonnes of hobbies and am easy going. I effortlessly socialize with others and maintain conversations. I ask lots of questions, I wonder about others interests with intense curiosity, I’m open to the prospect of bonding and appreciation.

And yet regardless of just how much startling effort I have put into social candor, grace, compassion and patience, I’m still frustrated and hollow. I feel very much alone and isolated from others – as if I am yelling at people from an island and the gust is pushing their boat further and further away from me.

I can’t really describe it. I thought about something that some people have told me in recent weeks. “You are intellectually intimidating”.

“intimidating”

That has stuck to me for a few weeks now. It’s a thorn. I’ve been thinking on it deeply and connecting my experiences to that comment. I appreciate the honesty of the comment as it was said in benevolence, and it’s given me insight. It’s made me reflect upon my disconnect with others and inability to bond.

Perhaps people see my intensity towards living life as intimidating? Perhaps the energy and passion I exhale upon every breath of my being is something that is overwhelming to the vast majority of people. No, it has nothing to do with a superiority complex, but a different plane of thinking and action. When someone has an interest, I list fifteen things within that sphere that I know and love. When someone expresses an opinion, I relate to it and open up with a cacophany of differing opinions and analysis down to the concretes from the abstract. It feels like when I find a common interest, the commonality ends there as the layers of analysis and passion differ almost entirely.

I have no idea how to explain my frustration – and sadness – other than through the way I am writing now. I am alright with my solitude, but I certainly wish to find people who I can share my passion with. It’s a desperate hunger, a desire, for connection. I have some very good friends who I can connect with which I will see very soon – but ever since last year, when I had endured the most painful loss I have ever felt in my life, there’s a certain hollow feeling which isn’t really being filled.

Damnit I’m trying, too. I really am. Everyone who knows me knows I am a force for good – that I aim to help, to empower, to build and shine. I have no ill will, no agenda at play.

And yet regardless of all of that, my stressful conquest for excellence and success hasn’t really led anywhere, or rather emotionally it doesn’t feel like it – factually, it has. I’m a lonely seeker of stars that only wants someone to seek stars with.

Most people seek good enough – I seek more than that. I push, fight, scramble and think, to discover more about myself, the world, the written world, the artistic potential that I have, and radiant energy waiting to burst forth from others. And yet it feels like I can’t seem to find anyone who shares that intensity – that desire for excellence. Sometimes it is tempting to fall back into mediocrity, to say enough is enough and to be okay with that. But I know that if I do that I’ll hate myself to no end, because it simply isn’t me.

It’s an issue of not having someone around to ride through life with. I had it, and I fucking lost it – and finding that again has been a harrowing, painful and frustrating journey.

I have many years left in me, and in my heart of hearts I know this – but during that time there is plenty of room for a consistent stream of sorrow that enters into my heart when I meet others in the hope that we connect, only to be disappointed in not finding the fire that I’m looking for.

Carry on, Frog. Seek stars and star seekers.

Cheers.