While these write ups are largely fictional, they also hold a lot of real moments in my life that I have experienced and are deeply personal. I write them when particularly strong pains hit me so I just write and don’t edit. It’s a painful energy and pressure that I need to release somewhere – writing being one of them. This is my way of dealing with things. Enjoy.
Love and Peace, D
“What are you looking at?”
She smirked at me as I stared longingly into her eyes, my reflection in them.
As I stared, the life that I had built, the world that I had envisioned came full circle as a flash in my mind. Within that moment I saw myself working in the job that I wanted, getting into a car while she wore a white dress, kissing me on the cheek as I started it up. I saw a white house we owned – modern in design – surrounded by green trees and a small garden.
I also saw moments of bliss that we shared at the beaches of Greece. Tightly holding her as she leaned back onto my chest, standing on the shoreline, feeling the cold water moving in between our feet, and the ocean reflecting the vast cosmos above us.
I saw the moments of dancing together on Christmas eve – away from our families but happy and free. Holding her as she looked up into my eyes and smiled, gentle jazz music playing in the background as we swayed side to side, enjoying the longest moment of our lives, as if time had specifically froze just for us, so we can share in each other’s love forever.
I saw the stars, the moon, the solar system and the cosmos in her eyes. An enormous, inconceivably eternal existence that was wrapped around my arms. What was real and possible was right here, staring back at me, smiling and asking me just what exactly I was looking at. She could never understand that I was looking at what lit my soul alight and gave me a fiery purpose to achieve, to build and to capture the shores of orion for. I was looking at the one being that could have me sail across the horizons to find and contain the immense energy of a star and place it in her hands. An impossibility that I’d find a way to achieve. She captured existence for me.
“Just you.” I replied, with a warm, soulful feeling in my chest.
She grinned just a little more and closed her eyes as she kissed me softly and held onto me tighter.
It has been some time since my stars and skies have been shattered, and while I continue to exist and live on this Earth, there isn’t a day that goes by where my body and my soul reminds me that she is no longer here.
I miss those frozen moments in time where I could stare at her forever. The memory of those moments will remain with me, but the experience of those moments can never be relit.
Every day is a struggle to accept what is gone. To know that I no longer have her is the hardest thing to accept even though it is right in front of me.
But I don’t suffer my pain. I accept the pain for what it is. I know that it will pass and my wounds will heal. I know that I am capable and strong, that I can move forward in some way.
But regardless of my certitude, in my ability to stand strong, the fact that my shadow is alone now is an intense, burning pain that I must hold and accept. It is my burden.
I move forward, slowly but with truth. But I cannot look at the stars the same way again, as they only remind me of the reflection in her eyes.
The reflection that showed me a life I can no longer have.
I miss you, S.