Long time no post. I think it’s time I do post though, and this time it’s much more from the heart and personal.
A week ago, my partner and I broke up. While I have maintained my relationship as being very private and relatively quiet, it was the loudest bang in my life for the longest time. Upon meeting her, I had a significant fire light up inside me and that was when I knew that I had to have her. And I did.
Over the last one and a half years I was sold on this girl. She was legitimately everything I had wanted in a partner – confident, very focused on the now, a joker, honest, an exceptional listener, and so much more. I just matched up with her, and we both complemented each other in where we were weak – my powerful mind and problem solving capabilities boosted her to greatness while her ability to ground me helped me remain present and not “wall off” psychologically from the pains of past memories and hurt.
She helped me in many ways. I changed a lot over the past year and a half, primarily because she was able to keep me grounded and in many ways educated me on just enjoying the present as it is without needing to do anything. I have always struggled to do that and not wander off into my own concept forming tangents and problem solving webs, and now I can lie in bed for an hour simply enjoying the fact that I exist and I’m alive.
The fact that she kept me on Earth, she kept me present and she kept me looking into her eyes and simply enjoying that was wonderful. I’ve never had that with someone before and Christ, do I miss it so very much.
It hurts to write this. The titanic amounts of pain that hits me while writing this makes it almost impossible to continue writing. I’ve never, ever felt loss like this before. And it’s because I have never, ever loved someone so much like I loved her.
While it hurts beyond description writing this out, it’s necessary. It’s necessary to say goodbye to it and to acknowledge the fact of my emotions. It’s necessary to acknowledge the fact that she was the absolute best thing in my life for the past one and a half years. She helped me be present, she helped me notice the world and all its colour even more than before, and she strengthened my resolve so that I can overcome and succeed in areas that I thought I couldn’t succeed in before.
Because of her, my ability to write my book turned into something that almost felt too easy. My ability to focus and motivate myself to achieve, take risks and challenge myself even further was enhanced.
She was a flame that turned my fire into a raging cyclone of energy and drive.
I’m not angry at her, nor do I hate her. I just miss her, and I think a part of me always will. I’m grateful to be here, sitting and feeling out the painful pangs of heartache and loss because it means that I took the risk of fully committing, being vulnerable and loving someone as deeply as I feel pain.
This write up is in many ways a goodbye and acceptance post, and acknowledging the fact that I am alive, I feel, and what I feel is the loss of a value that made me one thousand times the man I was a year and a half ago.
This too, shall pass. I will never, ever forget you.